Raising Fantastic Daughters

Be nothing

2011-01-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when you are trying to be the perfect mother, you just have to be nothing. Today, my daughter had her friend come over and they hung out. I was there. I provided dinner. I was silent. She left at 9:30. Her parents didn't say thank you. Neither did she. My daughter came to my room, I was reading "Girl With the Dragon Tatoo." She said, "Your hands are so soft." I was rubbing her back. She went to bed.

My thought is this...I'm trying to be a great mom. On any given day, I don't accomplish anything.
But I'm always trying.

My daughters can only benefit from the trying..

That would be great.

2010-12-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

As parents, we hold out, over time for all the things we would like our daughters to be. In no order are these attributes...., attractive, perfect personality, smart, virtuous, diligent... I mean, we place so many expectations on them.

I am parenting my last daughter. I am more aware of the finite-ness, if that's a word, of my role. My intention is the same as with all of her sisters: the best she can be, the least she can hate me and the most I can influence.

I am experienced, and yet, I am a novice. She is nothing like her sisters or me. As I have always said, they are all unique and all only children. I am always in virgin territory. Every day, I try to make her time with me be as loving and validating as possible. That is tough with a teenager. They don't want to be validated or feel love or compassion from you, their mother. So, every day, I put on the mom face and say, "Have a good day." "Hope your day goes well." "Text me if you want me to come get you." "Love you."

She's 12. Yesterday, she leaned over before she got out of the car and kissed me. I don't know why. I was shocked. I have tears running down my face, now, as I type this. I was so stunned. In 12 years, that has never happened. As much as I try to understand and share, I have no idea what was going on in her mind.

My message over all the years of their lives is the same. I am patient. I don't judge you. I'm with you in everything. But as a mom, I am in the dark. That would be great if I could understand them, but I can't. That would be great but it will never happen.

Mm, hm, uh huh, yeah, ok.

2010-12-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

By default, a mom listens to many phone conversations, because the phone is in the kitchen or within earshot. Of course, we have to pretend not to hear them because we aren't part of them. It's kind of like cubicle life. There is a proper protocol. Don't comment, don't interrupt, never mention what you heard.
My daughters all have babysat and have developed great relationships with their families. One family, in particular, has used all of them over time, so we are like their family. I always know when my one daughter is talking to the mom because she says, "Mm, hm, uh,huh, yeah, ok. Mm hm, uh huh, yeah, ok." Over and over and over. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I have to ask, "What is she saying?' Mt daughter tells me, it doesn't matter. It's the fastest way she can get through the conversation and get off the phone without being rude. I thought about that for a long time. She was only 14 and yet she had discerned a very important fact. Non-committal verbalizations get you all the information you need, in the quickest time with no input on your part. So I decided to turn it around and try it on all of them.
When the moment happens, and they open up, the less you say and do, gets you the largest yield. Here are a few more - oh? ooooo, wow, gee, whew, yikes, aw, ew. I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic. They aren't even real word or more than one syllable.
But they work. So does, no emotion, no reaction, no facial expressions. Neutral, nothing, silence.
It gets you all you could possibly ever want.
I promise.
Try it. When they have something to tell you, you (need to) have nothing to say.

Harsh Reality

2010-09-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

If you do your job well, as a parent, you will find yourself obsolete. Today, a holiday, is a true depiction of this fact. Although I talked to 3 of them. None of them seemed concerned about what I was doing, given that it was a holiday. Each of them had her own agenda. My parents' generation, put a guilt trip on their children for this very reason. "I was all alone." "I didn't have anything to do." My mother says that to me. Somehow, children are supposed to become responsible for the adults. But I don't think so.

The harsh reality for me is this. Now that I am (almost) relieved of the day-to-day obligation of taking care of all of them, I now am responsible for taking care of myself. But I have been subjugated to their needs for so long that absent of their needs, I struggle. As a parent who has mentally been there for so long, more than 1/2 of my life, I almost feel guilty to be self-involved.

But I no longer have a choice. And still, they are watching...

Changing of the guard

2010-07-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Aren't we all angry with our parents for what they did not do for us? Or what they weren't? Or what they said? Our vision is so clear. I can say that. I'm sure my children can say the same. But isn't this just the changing of the guard.
A whole new world. Walden?
Every day, I am aware of new music, shows, references, that I, as a grown-up, should not understand or even be aware of. I try to stay abreast of new things. I want to understand. I want to be with you (my daughter) No award, no recognition. Just to be with you. No other reason. No credit. Just to be with you.. Nothing else.

Grateful

2010-07-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

If you watch the news you will see crazy things. Robbery, destructiveness, psychotic behavior. As much as I strive for normalcy, the life my daughters has provided for me has never given me a moment's grief. I am always grateful. They could be psychotic, tatooed, flailing, objecting.... But, they aren't. And I thank them.

It doesn't get any better than this.

2010-02-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, your daughter gives you a brief view of the person she will become when she gets through her gawky years, bad skin, puberty, dating, high school, college and navigating you giving her up to the world!!!

Today was that day. She did all her homework early, unpacked her lunch box, sat close to me and watched American Idol. She shared her funny emails about Edward Cullen (Twilight vampire for those of you who don't know). She let me kiss her 100 times,( I don't really kiss her 100 times. But I say "100 kisses!!!" and kiss her like crazy which always gets her giggling and I'm sure feeling very loved for no reason whatsoever) She never said, MOM! She went to bed without a fuss.

All that would tend to make most parents nervous but I know this is temporary; it is a preview. She is integrating all the things you nag about, demand that she do, expect of her for the moment. For a brief moment.

Dry run
Calm before the storm.
Fake out.

But I'm smiling. Today was a good day. It fills me with confidence that I can do this one more time.

Your child is a rock star and you are her agent

2010-01-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

I imagine an agent has the same experience I have as a parent. You client (child) is a rock star. You are just there to serve. (Somehow they envision that you are being paid.) You are expected to be quiet in front of everyone, drive her to her appointments, stay in the car, don't talk, never address her friends, support her efforts, stay in the background.

But then, she snuggles next to you on the couch, asks you to do her make-up, wants you to pick everybody up after teen night, and feed everyone good food.

Take a back seat. Watch and observe. She wants you there, but silently.

Practice.

Grief - AKA, You cannot win

2010-01-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

As parents, we are trying to stay current and understand and monitor what our daughters are doing on-line. This may be a sexist statement, but boys can say anything. An example, a friend's son's posting,

"On the sixth day of Hanukkah, my sister gave to me, 6 deep-throat blow jobs."

Everyone says, He's a pervert," but they laugh. Our girls say that, they become Jenna Jamison. So the double standard is alive.

I ran into a friend and her daughter the other day and we talked about what she was doing (Boston College grad) and where she was headed. (Taking her MCAT for medical school) Then her mom said. Yeah, our friends say, "Why don't you try to be a nurse?" The three of us look at each other in dismay?

I asked her if she had an on-line profile and she said "No." I tell her " You can create your own website and present your accomplishments for when you apply to grad school."

Our daughters need to know how to do this. Otherwise, they end up subservient to a man's career.

Grief comes from every direction. Stand by your girls. Refuse to let it in. Everyone tries to negate your daughter's position. Try to not let that happen.

It's a new world, and not in a good way.

You may think I am being negative, but this is the reality our girls face from kindergarten till employment and beyond.

Envision for them everything - a great job, a fantastic family, a terrific husband and respect for you.

Wild Card

2010-01-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

No mattter what you may think of your daughters, they are not you. When they are babies, and everyone is cooing and saying, "Oh she has her ___'s nose or her _____'s whatever, she is just her own self.

As much as I try to understand my own daughters, based on who I am as a woman/daughter, I can't get them to respond as I would or make the decisions they are faced with as I would have.

But I have raised them well. They are smart and unconflicted.

Let them be wild cards, in your life. Don't reel them in. Don't comment. Don't be surprised.

Let them be.

You Are SO Curvy

2009-12-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

My daughter and I went to visit our friends whom we had not seen for the summer. We were taking her last year's clothes to pass down. Pants, shirts, shoes, coats: nothing fit in a very short amount of time.
We walk in and her mom says, "OMG, you got so tall!!!" ( remember two months have passed since we saw them) "I don't think I would have recognized you on the street if I had seen you." And she has known her for 7 years. The kids go off to play, but when they come back the mom says, "You are so curvy!" Her daughter yells,"MOM!" (The dad was present.) And her mom says, " But I didn't mean that in a bad way."

This points out how fast they change. If it is shocking to others, try to imagine how it feels to your daughter. Almost every day, she wakes up in a slightly altered body. So acknowledge it to her. Say things like, "I never was sure what was happening when I was your age - same for you?"

My daughter says, in the midst of this conversation, "You know, sometimes I am just standing, doing nothing, and all of a sudden I trip and hurt myself." Then she says, " I know, my mind has not caught up with my body." And we all laugh together.

Daughters do have growing pains. The awkward time exists for her. Be there for and with her.

Safe Harbor

2009-12-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

At any age, your daughter is faced with issues and dilemmas that she is unsure of and inexpereinced in resolving. Give her a blanket statement early on and remind her of it often. I gave it in kindergarten, in first grade, third grade, 5th grade, etc. Mine was this, "If you or any of your friends has a problem, you can run it past me. I am your best resource. As your mother and as someone who has known your friends since they were in kindergarten and loves them too, I am your safe harbor. I will never turn you away. I will never rat you (or them) out. I will never criticize you for doing something stupid or not knowing what to do. I will always be your best advocate and will have your best interest as my guiding force. And I will thank you for being brave enough to come to me.

I never had that in my youth and many times, I felt like I was flailing about, lost and unsure. I wanted, and still want, my daughters to know they have a reliable, wise and experienced referent always available. Recently, via class reunion communications, I've heard from friends that told me I was their mentor. I didn't know that. So I know that I have always recognized the lack of role models for us as women. I think we need to conscientiously mentor our daughters. Men naturally mentor their sons and young men in the workforce. Our daughters and young women need the same in order to find and recognize their strengths and their place in the adult world. We, their mothers, fathers, aunts, grandparents and teachers need to show them early on that we are there to support and help them realize those goals.

I thought you would be mad

2009-12-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

My oldest daughter says to me, "Someone saw Emma walking in the mall, holding hands with a boy. Did you know that?"

"No, but Thank you." Remember. Never discuss one of your children with the other.
So I say to Emma, "Do you have a boyfriend that you are meeting at the mall?" She says yes. So I ask, why don't I know about this and she says, " I thought you would be mad."

Why? What makes you think that? ( I already know. Daddy would be mad.) But I say, I remember 8th grade. I, too, held a boy's hand. Times don't change. Everything you feel, I felt, and it's ok. I'm not mad. I'm on your side.

Don't Mess Up Your Hair

2009-12-06T20:23:00.000-08:00

I grew up between two boys in the 60's. I played hard with them. We had 42 kids on our street, enough for two teams of any sport and parades! My earliest recollection of what I looked like came in 5th or 6th grade. Before that, I never even thought about it. I was playing games, riding my bike and having fun. No one imposed beauty on me at an early age. It was a good childhood.

Fast-forward to my oldest daughter playing in the backyard. We have our new video camera. And she wants to do a somersault for the "show" that we are filming, but her dad says, "You are going to mess up your hair." I think she was 4. Now she did look nice. I always made my daughters presentable. I never commented on what happened to that lovely appearance as they played. But their dad did. I told her, "Have fun, mess up your hair. It's ok." So it is interesting. His message was, "Your appearance is more important than your accomplishment (the somersault.)"

This is not what we want to convey to daughters. When you shape them before they understand, you prejudice them to a future where they value themselves based on their appearance. My converations praised her goodness, her dedication and diligence, her perseverance, her accomplishments, her unique attributes. I have told them, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, taller, richer, anything-er. Don't judge yourself by outward standards. Compete only with yourself. That's enough pressure.

"You think about it."

2009-12-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

When my third daughter was 3, I started to look for ways to have conversation with her without the other 2. In a group, any topic can be commented on quickly by older siblings so younger ones get left out. As I attempted to avoid that pitfall, I would separately ask her. What do you think about_____?" And she would look at me, not sure, like it was a trick, and she'd say, "You 'sink' about it Mommy." We'd go through this several times until finally, she would venture an opinion or thought." I did, this with her for a few years until she finally started answering the questions easily or sometimes would come to me and ask what I thought about something.

The message: What she thought was important. I wanted her opinion.

It was private, with no criticism or commentary by others. It's how you build their confidence in forming and voicing inner thoughts, which is crucial for success later on.

This is a tactic you can use with any age daughter. They don't talk to us because they fear our criticism. Opinions and thoughts are there in their teens and into their twenties. Good parenting practices don't stop just because they leave for college or get an apartment. Maturity is an inner state-of-being, not based on exterior milestones. When she reaches it, then and only then, can you be her "Friend."

Today - 12/01/09

2009-12-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

I talked to a company president today about why he didn't have women in his key positions. Not only did he not know why, but he did not even realize that he didn't. I told him it was a basic prejudice that women could not perform. And I asked him, corporate-wide, what was the percentage of women in the sales force? His answer was very low and embarassing to even him. So I keep asking why?

We are half of the population. Why aren't we half of every corporation? Why don't men assume that we have more to offer than they do? Or at least the same?

It is an uphill battle that women fight because of the assumptions that precede us.

Today, I was told by three men that I was the best, best in class, best in training and best in performance.
If I was a guy, I'd be out on the golf course.

I guess my point to this blog is so our daughters have a better chance at equal opportunity, equal treatment and equal pay in the workforce.

Mom, stop! You are not cool.

2009-12-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm 53 with an 11 year old daughter. I have been raising girls since 1982. The landscape has changed. Most of her friends' parents are late 30's, maybe 40. I find myself caught in between generations, so I observe and dissect the nuances. But she doesn't realize that. It's a foreign place for me to be, but for her it is just normal. So I take it head on and learn everything about her world. Her music, Paramore, her loves -Twilight, what she dislikes - Miley Cyrus, what she doesn't understand - Jamie Spears' pregnancy. I know her as much as anyone can know another.

I'm trying. So I sing along with her music and she says, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop!!!!!!!!!!! It happens when we are alone or when her little friends are here, equally. We always have music playing. When we are alone, I ask, "No one is even here, so why do you care if I am singing the wrong words or dancing?" And she says, "Because, you are not cool."

Not cool. It's every parents' nightmare. We aren't hip, we're outdated, we don't understand. We dance badly. It is inevitable, so behave accordingly. No dancing or singing in front of her friends.

But definitely in front of her. She'll learn how not to care what anyone thinks of her. Because you don't.

It's 11:00. Do you know where you children are?

2009-11-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

Many of us will remember this PSA that ran on TV for many years. As kids, we thought it was funny because we were at home with our parents. But times are different. The formerly absent male parent also known as the ex, never had had a good understanding of his daughters. So, all along, I tried to teach. But some lessons didn't sink in.

I call my daughter one Friday night and she says, "I am sitting out on the curb waiting for so and so's sister to get me. I try to modulate my heartbeat. and I say, " If she isn't there in 5 minutes, I will come get you."

It was almost midnight. I would never let my 14 year old daughter be out at that time. Teenagers should be at matinees or 7:00 movies and home by 10 for their own safety. 9:00 movies are for adults or at least older teenagers. Just watch the news to understand what can happen to an innocent child? So I call her dad and say, "What are you thinking?" No response. I say to him, "She is just a child. Please remember that." He has no answer. None.

Men cannot be mothers. Their instincts are all wrong.

This post does not have a clear message other than frustration.

She is a child

2009-11-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

When you raise fantastic daughters, people, including your spouse, your parents and their teachers get confused. They think your daughters are adults. And you have to remind them, "No, she is a child."

One day, my parents, who have a very close and intimate relationship with my girls, are at the dinner table and we are discussing Julia's thoughts about being a dentist. And my father says, "Do you know how expensive it is to set up a practice? And then what will you do if your husband gets tranferred and you have to leave that investment?"
So, in an effort to stop what I perceive to be an escalating situation, I try to intervene. My daughter, who is only 16, answers, her best child answer but to no avail. My father yells, "You are acting like a child!" And of course, she starts crying, because this is her grandfather who has always been patient and kind and loving and now has suddenly become belligerent and challenging. I look at her and say, "You are dismissed." She goes upstairs to her room, crying. And I look at my parents and say "What are you doing? She answers like achild because she IS a child."

They stood up, walked out my front door and drove home. Probably the biggest slap in my face, as well as my daughter's, as we could ever imagine. I did not call them to ask for an explanation or an apology. Or to offer one. We were not wrong. It was a turning moment in which I stood my daughters' ground, not as a daughter to my parents but as a mother to the next generation of women.

Strong, ethnic families keep their daughters locked in times past.

My eye is to a better future in which we embrace our daughters' excellence.

Jocelyn is Not Julia

2009-11-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

Parent-teacher conferences. You are excited to hear everything great, or at least that's my experience. No matter what your expectation, it's nerve-wracking. Someone else is judging your child and is going to give you YOUR report card. So, I am living the same experience I have had before with daughter #1. Somehow, we expect the child to be the same.

Of course, in this conference, I want to talk about how she doesn't care about her penmanship - nothing like her sister before - and yet I still expect the same...

"Seriously,(her teacher says) Do you think Jocelyn is Julia? same second grade teacher.( In my mind, I am thinking - am I in the wrong conference?) Because I'm trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I saw them the same even though they were as different as any two people off the street.

I never did it again. Jocelyn was and still is the most creative person I know. If she made mistake in her writing, she turned it into a picture, or a flower, or an animal, or a design. She's an arcitect now with beautiful penmanship.

Allow them some breathing room.

Your Public Child

2009-11-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

We yuppie, Pottery-Barn, media-darling parents show up to parent -teacher conferences all puffed out. Our wunder-child - perfect in every way - yet clueless.....

First grade, first child, I am expecting compliments and congratulations. Instead, I get reprimanded, very early in, because I made a comment about her not being responsible enough. Mrs. Urso says, "Your daughter is so responsible, I let her take the handicapped child in our class to the nurse for her medication. And you talk about her less than perfect behavior when she gets off the bus? All children have to misbehave somewhere. She is PERFECT in school. Accept her misbehavior at home."

It was hard to be so harshly corrected. But I listened. Teachers know your "public" child. You do not.

Be humble enough to let other people share their opinions of your daughters. You are not objective.

Your Mother Thinks Very Highly of You

2009-11-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

I was meeting with a company's president, and he tells me that he needs a part-time person. Little does he know, I market my daughters any time I can - baby-sitting, pet-sitting, passover-serving, calligraphy-writing. So I say to him, I have the perfect person for you, my daughter, Jocelyn. But he says, "No high school student could do this job." I ask him to at least interview her. You know, good expereince for her. Haha. Funny because I know that when he meets her, he will be blown away. I am that confident in her.

So, he meets with her. and at some point in the interview he says to her, "You know, your mother thinks very highly of you." And she says, (at the age of 17, in front of the president of the company,) "Yes, I know she does."

Over the years, I have built them up to know their best qualities and to be confident and un-abashed.

He hired her and asked me if she could just skip college and come work for him full-time. You can only inmagine my response.

But it was diplomatic.

The Price of Motherhood

2009-11-20T20:26:00.000-08:00

Parents of college-age daughters, you have my sympathy. As we endeavor to educate them, they turn on us with their new-found revelations.

So mine puts this book. The Price of Motherhood, http://www.amazon.com/Price-Motherhood-Important-World-Valued/dp/0805066195, on the coffee table and says, "You should read this."

Background. I had a short-lived career as a speech therapist that corporate relocations and children derail. 20 years and one divorce later, she's asking me to examine my decisions.

My response was this. "You are asking me to compare my lack of a salary to raising you and your sisters for all these years. I will tell you that there is no amount of money that correlates. So the book to me is irrelevant. Money does not equate with the enormity of what I am doing here with you and your sisters."

And as I have said before in these posts, I am not angry with her for attacking me. I have always allowed them to question and analyze. Of course they are going to tear me apart. I'm the best known quantity.

But I know my goals, my challenges, my daughters.

You are just a product developer

2009-11-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

I read once in an article that what we as parents are doing, is trying to produce happy, healthy, independent adults. Hm... Prior to that, I had not given child raising an over-view, but it made sense.

Each day, ( since 1982 x 4 daughters) I endeavored to address one, two or all three in some fashion.

Happy - we had fun, and still do, at some point every day. We dance in the kitchen, tell jokes, act goofy, do imitations, tease - whatever. They are continually embarrassed by me. But I don't care. It's fun and who is keeping score??? Or observing us, but us??

Healthy - good, natural food, exercise in many forms, understanding and respecting our bodies, finding inner strength.

Independent - learning social skills, laundry, how to cook, shopping, finances, searching for who we are.

There are so many things every day that your daughters need from you that any moment can be a teaching opportunity.

It takes time and attention but what else do you have to do for 18 years. Out of your lifetime, it's a drop in the bucket. In hers, it's 100% of her life.

Pretend you are being paid. And she's a product about to be launched.

Expect a lot. But let her know.

2009-11-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

My daughter, Julia, came out of the bathroom one afternoon, with venom in her eyes and said, "Mom, you know, most parents would be happy with all A's and B's, but not you. You want all A's." In return, I said, "Yes you are right and I understand how you may feel about that. But, I know your IQ and if you are getting B's, you are just being lazy. And if you want to be lazy, you will reap the rewards of a lazy person. I prefer, in advance, to choose the path to the highest rewards for you.

The important part of this conversation is that it did not irritate me. I wasn't mad at her for being a smart-mouth, as my parents would have said to me. I respect her perspective, but I know why I have those expectations. You do need to know what your child is capable of.

Expect them to not understand. Realize their point of view is very limited. Share your wisdom without being condescening or defensive. You can even thank her for saying something so honest and confrontational and risking your anger.

You are teaching her to deal with issues head on - a skill she will need in her adult life. She's practicing on you.

Your daughter is an over-achiever

2009-11-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

    I went to a parent-teacher conference for my daughter, Emma, who was in third grade. Her teacher was male, first year, out of Penn State. Shortly into the conference, he said, "I think Emma thinks she's smarter than she is."

    Now I happened to know that Emma is very smart. I chose "NOT" to put her into the gifted program. I was in it and I hated it. No child wants to be different.  And anyhow, she had no idea how smart she really was. She was not a bold or provocative child, so I knew that if she was portraying intelligence, it was just because she was. But I play along, in case I'm not objective and I say, "And?" He says, well I think she is over-achieving." And again I say, "And?'

    Then I wait. Because if it was a boy reaching beyond his level, he wouldn't have commented, he would have supported him. In particular, because it was math that we were discussing, educators have been shown to not advocate for girls.

http://www.nncc.org/Curriculum/sac52_math.science.girls.html

    So, I ask him to continue to support Emma and follow up with me after the next math unit.

     Afternote. Emma graduated with a 3.97 from high school. A 3.97 as a biology major from college. Is the president of the ENTIRE student body, awarded multiple times for achievement in academics, leadership and service and is going to dental school.

      I rest my case. I mean, really. Pay attention. This is what is being told to our daughters.. Talk to them. Listen to what they hear every day. Then refute it. Alert them to the prejudice. And then ignore it and move beyond.

It's not the same as the 70's.

2009-09-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

I don't remember what was the subject du jour, but my oldest daughter said, "Mom, things are different. This isn't the 70's.This isn't Butler High School, Class of '74." As Oprah says, it was an Aha! moment and I realized she was right (Parents hardly ever admit their children are right, but I respect youth. They have clear minds.) If you listen with an open mind, they tell you how to be a good parent to them.

One of the things I have always allowed is lively, spirited debate - open to any and all subjects. As long as there is no disrepect, I encourage conversations to go way beyond what most parents will. I provoke analysis and persuasion. Why would I quash their best efforts? Try to remember what you are trying to produce - forward thinking, independent, gutsy, bold, questioning daughters. Let them push the ticket. Give them your time. Every day. Studies show that dinner with your children makes a difference. I've been making dinner, regularly, for 27 years with all my daughters at the table as often as logistically possible.

http://community.ncfr.org/Lists/Calendar/DispForm.aspx?ID=112&RootFolder=%2fLists%2fCalendar

No matter what your age as a parent, the pressures our daughters feel is nothing that we remember. Computers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods. My youngest knows everything about texting, billing, wireless zones, accessories, apps, and new products. I bought her phone in April. She has already asked when is she eligible for a new phone. Her phone is already obsolete. She's 11!

It's exhausting to resist change. Welcome change. Change is life. Life changes every day. Let your daughter teach you. When she says, let me do that for you, because you don't know Excel or Power Point, or how to upload pics, ask her to teach you. It's how we cross the big divide. Be humble. Compliment and thank her. I assure you, not only do you not lose power, in her eyes, you gain it by not being a know-it-all parent.

Music we love - Justin Bieber - One Time

2009-09-21T20:44:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/kidrauhl?blend=1&ob=4 This song is by Justin Bieber. If you are the parent of a tweener and you don't know his name, you will. The first time I heard him, I knew he woud be the next David Cassidy, Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake. Different decades, same message. Here are his lyrics...

One Time
Songwriters: Bunton, James; Cole, Corron Ty Kee; Nkhereanye, Thabiso; Stewart, Christopher;

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time
Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

One time, one time

When I met you girl my heart went knock knock
Now them butterflies in my stomach won't stop stop
And even though it's a struggle love is all we got
And we gon' keep keep climbing to the mountain top

Your world is my world
And my fight is your fight
My breath is your breath
And your heart

And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

And I'ma be your one guy
You'll be my #1 girl
Always making time for you
You look so deep, you know that it humbles me
You're by my side, them troubles them not trouble me
Many have called but the chosen is you
Whatever you want shawty I'll give it to you

Your world is my world
And my fight is your fight
My breath is your breath
And your heart

And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)
I'ma tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

And I'ma be your one guy
You'll be my #1 girl
Always making time for you
Shawty right there
She's got everything I need
And I'ma tell her one time
Give you everything you need down to my last dime
She makes me happy
I know where I'll be
Right by your side
'Cause she is the one
And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

One time, one time.

He's 15 but he is telling our daughters everything they want to hear right now. You can do the same thing. Let her know how important she is to you and that you would do anything for her and she is your number one priority. It will prevent her from looking for someone else to play that part in her life. I played that role as long as I could. My 14 year old actually held my hand as we walked across the parking lot to the grocery store. The next year, she stopped. I'm sure that was a good thing. But I stayed a central figure, continued to have a close, intimate relationship with her.
Rub their backs, play with their hair while you watch tv. Let them snuggle with you. Girls just want that loving attention. She's in her 20's now. My role is changing but it's not over yet.

Favorite Child

2009-09-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was at my gym the other day and was asked, "Which one of your daughters is your favorite?" I replied, "They are each my favorite."

It makes me ask, "Why would we, as parents compare our children? This question takes me back to a memory of my own childhood.

When I was born, my dad went to the nursey and said, "Cuffman" and they showed him me. He said, "No." My older brother was blond, peaches and cream complexion, perfect in every way. I was black-haired, greasy looking, red-faced with forcept markings all over my face - not a baby a father would pick out as his first precious daughter. But there was - "Cuffman" on my pretty little wrist bracelet. And they said, "Here is your daughter." My mother was so ecstatic to have a daughter, the had to tell her over and over ( anesthesia) until she finally understood. A daughter. She never thought she would have a daughter, only sons. My dad,was in shock.
So, I, as a girl, between, boys have lived that story my whole life. It's a good story. It taught me not to expect anything as each of my children were born. The gene pool that two parents present offers so many combinations - how could sibling ever be expected to be the same?
Each of my girls are as different as primary colors. Julia is red, demanding, challenging, a rock. Jocelyn is yellow, sunny, fundamental, a beacon. Emma is blue, cool, diplomatic, loving and Daphne, compassionate, is a rainbow, quietly defying definition.
Every day, I start by accepting that I know nothing and don't expect anything. It's much easier to be a good parent when you do that. My rewards humble me.

What's In A Nickname Anyway?

2009-09-15T05:23:00.000-07:00

During the first week of school, my middle schooler had to write a paper on the meaning of her name. Every night, she would find a few facts and every day her teacher would send her back home with instructions to find more. It became a lesson in research more than writing. I hovered (slightly) to support the new expectations. It was fun! We both learned lots about her name, including her astrological traits and her name's numerology meaning. I also learned some how she views herself as she agreed with some things and not others. If you think you know your kids' insides, self-discovery activites generally shed new light.

She completed her essay in school, but when I read it, it had a whole different, funny twist to it that I hadn't imagined in her. She generally is a very serious child. Lesson to me - something happens in the presence of other kids that never happens with you. Serious kids become funny. Funny kids become quiet. You can't tell what will happen.

Two night later, when her friend was here and they were talking about her nicknames, I called her one that her friends gave her last year. She looked at me and said, "Mom, you can call me Trixie (my longtime nickname for her). You can't call me Dapa."

What I have learned over and over, but am always surprised in the moment is this:

1. If they feel safe in their relationship with you, they can say almost anything (respectfully, of course) without fear of hurting your feelings.

2. A new identity is emerging and you aren't part of it.

3. You are her mom, not one of her friends.

So, as I try remember my experiences, I know I wasn't thinking about my mom in 6th grade. Boys, hair, grades and being cool. Things never change. Keep remembering that!!!

Middle School Open House

2009-09-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of every school year, it's time to meet the teachers, find out what is expected of your daughter, hear all the rules, etc. (This is my 46th open house.) Even from an adult's perspective, it's alot. So I am empathizing with my daughter. You know, she was just at the beach, sleeping in, playing Sims, making s'mores and looking at sunsets....

I am reminded of a comment Julia, my first, made in her middle school years. She said," Why did you have to have so many of us? I would have been happy to have been the only child." I explain that no child decides how many sibling they have. (And it's not like we are Kate Plus Eight or the Duggar family with 18 children) But sometimes even the parents don't really decide. God does. "Be happy you have sisters." Reference "4 Daughters"

So, one of my fundamental approaches comes to light. Never, ever, talk to your daughter about another sibling. EVER. Only talk to her about her stuff. Her homework, her sports, her friends, her schedule, her job, her everything. Saturate her in her. You cannot overdose her in "Her."

She'll always look to find reasons to hate you. It's how she becomes "her." Talking about or comparing her to a sister or brother takes the focus off her at a time you want it to be all about her. Heck, don't we all want life to be all about us??

The Cold Shoulder

2009-09-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Last week, I walked my middle school daughter to school for the first few days. It's a new school. The 6th graders are the "babies" in this school in contrast to being the "Big 5th Graders" at the elementary school, last year. So there is a little trepidation in every conversation about her schedule/homeroom/activities. I remind her of past years where she faced the same set of circumstances, but quickly overcame her insecurities. She says nothing.

This can happen for your children at any age, and has for me many times. My first daughter, after 5 minutes at our orientation to pre-school, looked at me while we were seated at the 'clay creations table' and said, "You can go, Mom." And without a beat, I did.

As your daughter, at any age, masters a stage in her life, she is ready to go it alone. When you continue to try to be there with her, supporting her, giving her encouragement, she may turn slightly to you and say, I'm ok here, Mom.

Or she may give you a very disgusted look, right over her shoulder, roll her eyes and say nothing.

It's your cue to let her go. No comments, no clinging, no reminding, definitely no attempts at hugging or words of love. Silence. Maybe a final, "Text me later." will be acceptable. Going on to your life and showing your vote of confidence in her, validates what she already knows - she is ready to move forward and you recognized that.

The cold shoulder is an A on your report card as a parent.

Confidence Starts VERY Early

2009-09-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

I just saw this article:

You Are Your Own Glass Ceiling
We've come a long way, ladies. But here's why good girls still finish last. Newsweek

I can address the questions it poses with the logic I have applied to my daughters.

1. In the 20 some years that I have been raising my girls, never did I ever say, think or intimate to them that anyone else's goal was greater than theirs. No one else even existed in our discussions. I never thought of anyone else's goals. Consequently, neither did they. Or if they did, it was only after they had fulfilled their own requirements. They have all done community service projects and helped other students/organizations.

2. Any time anyone, wanted something from one of my girls that was helpful to their child, I objected. One mother said, Your daughter makes my son a better student. To which my response was, "Well, that is not her responsibility. It's yours. She is dedicated to herself and her success at this point in her life. Why is it my child's responsibility to make your child a better student, more responsible, on time, organized? Those are your - the parent's- obligations.

3. And finally, as a mature woman, I don't subscribe to the typical parent trappings of girls. Moms who get together while their daughters are performing. I don't form social groups based on their activity. I have my own life. I have friends based on my interests. I lead by example. Daughters are watching what we do. If we act based on public opinion, we continue to produce daughters who are "nice" as the article highlights.

As I trailblaze this platform, many of my counterparts are not happy, but my daughters and those that they influence are looking to re-write the ceiling.

4 Daughters

2009-09-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

This, my first post, will begin to create a history of my life with 4 daughters. 4 truly, unbelievable daughters, by every standard. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this.

I grew up between two boys. As a young girl, I prayed every night, "... please God, give me a sister." I tell that story each time someone asks me in front of my girls, "Didn't you want a boy?" I always respond, "I asked for a sister so many times, He finally answered."

Our society, despite the concept that boys and girls are equal, does not view or treat girls the same way as it does boys. In raising my daughters, I have completely disregarded that fact and have not allowed them to perceive themselves as second-rate citizens. When I was growing up, I always knew I didn't count in the same way my brothers did, in our schools or in my parents' eyes. I wanted that to change for my girls.

But in a positive way. Any minority, that views themselves as inferior or oppressed, can never succeed in finding equality. Only when you see yourself as equal, not superior or inferior, can you become just that.

So, my first lesson to my daughters has always been, "You are an individual." I've never compared them to anyone else. Not me, not their sisters, not their friends. Not as a girl vs. a boy.

"Never again will there be anyone like you" is a powerful message.

Tell that to yourself and think about what it means. It is truly significant.