Be nothing

Sometimes, when you are trying to be the perfect mother, you just have to be nothing. Today, my daughter had her friend come over and they hung out. I was there. I provided dinner. I was silent. She left at 9:30. Her parents didn't say thank you. Neither did she. My daughter came to my room, I was reading "Girl With the Dragon Tatoo." She said, "Your hands are so soft." I was rubbing her back. She went to bed.

My thought is this...I'm trying to be a great mom. On any given day, I don't accomplish anything.
But I'm always trying.

My daughters can only benefit from the trying..

That would be great.

As parents, we hold out, over time for all the things we would like our daughters to be. In no order are these attributes...., attractive, perfect personality, smart, virtuous, diligent... I mean, we place so many expectations on them.

I am parenting my last daughter. I am more aware of the finite-ness, if that's a word, of my role. My intention is the same as with all of her sisters: the best she can be, the least she can hate me and the most I can influence.

I am experienced, and yet, I am a novice. She is nothing like her sisters or me. As I have always said, they are all unique and all only children. I am always in virgin territory. Every day, I try to make her time with me be as loving and validating as possible. That is tough with a teenager. They don't want to be validated or feel love or compassion from you, their mother. So, every day, I put on the mom face and say, "Have a good day." "Hope your day goes well." "Text me if you want me to come get you." "Love you."

She's 12. Yesterday, she leaned over before she got out of the car and kissed me. I don't know why. I was shocked. I have tears running down my face, now, as I type this. I was so stunned. In 12 years, that has never happened.  As much as I try to understand and share, I have no idea what was going on in her mind.

My message over all the years of their lives is the same. I am patient. I don't judge you. I'm with you in everything. But as a mom, I am in the dark. That would be great if I could understand them, but I can't. That would be great but it will never happen.

Mm, hm, uh huh, yeah, ok.

By default, a mom listens to many phone conversations, because the phone is in the kitchen or within earshot.  Of course, we have to pretend not to hear them because we aren't part of them.  It's kind of like cubicle life. There is a proper protocol. Don't comment, don't interrupt, never mention what you heard. 
My daughters all have babysat and have developed great relationships with their families. One family, in particular, has used all of them over time, so we are like their family. I always know when my one daughter is talking to the mom because she says, "Mm, hm, uh,huh, yeah, ok. Mm hm, uh huh, yeah, ok." Over and over and over. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore,  I have to ask, "What is she saying?' Mt daughter tells me, it doesn't matter. It's the fastest way she can get through the conversation and get off the phone without being rude.  I thought about that for a long time. She was only 14 and yet she had discerned a very important fact. Non-committal verbalizations get you all the information you need, in the quickest time with no input on your part. So I decided to turn it around and try it on all of them.
When the moment happens, and they open up, the less you say and do, gets you the largest yield.  Here are a few more - oh? ooooo, wow, gee, whew, yikes, aw, ew. I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic. They aren't even real word or more than one syllable.
But they work. So does, no emotion, no reaction, no facial expressions. Neutral, nothing, silence.
It gets you all you could possibly ever want.
I promise.
Try it. When they have something to tell you, you (need to) have nothing to say.

Harsh Reality

If you do your job well, as a parent, you will find yourself obsolete. Today, a holiday, is a true depiction of this fact. Although I talked to 3 of them. None of them seemed concerned about what I was doing, given that it was a holiday.  Each of them had her own agenda. My parents' generation, put a guilt trip on their children for this very reason.  "I was all alone." "I didn't have anything to do." My mother says that to me. Somehow, children are supposed to become responsible for the adults. But I don't think so. 

The harsh reality for me is this.  Now that I am (almost) relieved of the day-to-day obligation of taking care of all of them, I now am responsible for taking care of myself.  But I have been subjugated to their needs for so long that absent of their needs, I struggle. As a parent who has mentally been there for so long, more than 1/2 of my life, I almost feel guilty to be self-involved.

But I no longer have a choice. And still, they are watching...

Changing of the guard

Aren't we all angry with our parents for what they did not do for us? Or what they weren't? Or what they said? Our vision is so clear. I can say that. I'm sure my children can say the same. But isn't this just the changing of the guard.
A whole new world. Walden?
Every day, I am aware of new music, shows, references, that I, as a grown-up, should not understand or even be aware of. I try to stay abreast of new things. I want to understand. I want to be with you (my daughter) No award, no recognition. Just to be with you. No other reason. No credit. Just to be with you.. Nothing else.

Grateful

If you watch the news you will see crazy things. Robbery, destructiveness, psychotic behavior. As much as I strive for normalcy, the life my daughters has provided for me has never given me a moment's grief. I am always grateful. They could be psychotic, tatooed, flailing, objecting.... But, they aren't. And I thank them.

It doesn't get any better than this.

Sometimes, your daughter gives you a brief view of the person she will become when she gets through her gawky years, bad skin, puberty, dating, high school, college and navigating you giving her up to the world!!!

Today was that day.  She did all her homework early, unpacked her lunch box, sat close to me and watched American Idol.  She shared her funny emails about Edward Cullen (Twilight vampire for those of you who don't know). She let me kiss her 100 times,( I don't really kiss her 100 times.  But I say "100 kisses!!!" and kiss her like crazy which always gets her giggling and I'm sure feeling very loved for no reason whatsoever) She never said, MOM! She went to bed without a fuss.

All that would tend to make most parents nervous but I know this is temporary; it is a preview. She is integrating all the things you nag about, demand that she do, expect of her for the moment.  For a brief moment.

Dry run
Calm before the storm.
Fake out.

But I'm smiling. Today was a good day. It fills me with confidence that I can do this one more time.