As parents, we hold out, over time for all the things we would like our daughters to be. In no order are these attributes...., attractive, perfect personality, smart, virtuous, diligent... I mean, we place so many expectations on them.
I am parenting my last daughter. I am more aware of the finite-ness, if that's a word, of my role. My intention is the same as with all of her sisters: the best she can be, the least she can hate me and the most I can influence.
I am experienced, and yet, I am a novice. She is nothing like her sisters or me. As I have always said, they are all unique and all only children. I am always in virgin territory. Every day, I try to make her time with me be as loving and validating as possible. That is tough with a teenager. They don't want to be validated or feel love or compassion from you, their mother. So, every day, I put on the mom face and say, "Have a good day." "Hope your day goes well." "Text me if you want me to come get you." "Love you."
She's 12. Yesterday, she leaned over before she got out of the car and kissed me. I don't know why. I was shocked. I have tears running down my face, now, as I type this. I was so stunned. In 12 years, that has never happened. As much as I try to understand and share, I have no idea what was going on in her mind.
My message over all the years of their lives is the same. I am patient. I don't judge you. I'm with you in everything. But as a mom, I am in the dark. That would be great if I could understand them, but I can't. That would be great but it will never happen.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Mm, hm, uh huh, yeah, ok.
By default, a mom listens to many phone conversations, because the phone is in the kitchen or within earshot. Of course, we have to pretend not to hear them because we aren't part of them. It's kind of like cubicle life. There is a proper protocol. Don't comment, don't interrupt, never mention what you heard.
My daughters all have babysat and have developed great relationships with their families. One family, in particular, has used all of them over time, so we are like their family. I always know when my one daughter is talking to the mom because she says, "Mm, hm, uh,huh, yeah, ok. Mm hm, uh huh, yeah, ok." Over and over and over. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I have to ask, "What is she saying?' Mt daughter tells me, it doesn't matter. It's the fastest way she can get through the conversation and get off the phone without being rude. I thought about that for a long time. She was only 14 and yet she had discerned a very important fact. Non-committal verbalizations get you all the information you need, in the quickest time with no input on your part. So I decided to turn it around and try it on all of them.
When the moment happens, and they open up, the less you say and do, gets you the largest yield. Here are a few more - oh? ooooo, wow, gee, whew, yikes, aw, ew. I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic. They aren't even real word or more than one syllable.
But they work. So does, no emotion, no reaction, no facial expressions. Neutral, nothing, silence.
It gets you all you could possibly ever want.
I promise.
Try it. When they have something to tell you, you (need to) have nothing to say.
My daughters all have babysat and have developed great relationships with their families. One family, in particular, has used all of them over time, so we are like their family. I always know when my one daughter is talking to the mom because she says, "Mm, hm, uh,huh, yeah, ok. Mm hm, uh huh, yeah, ok." Over and over and over. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I have to ask, "What is she saying?' Mt daughter tells me, it doesn't matter. It's the fastest way she can get through the conversation and get off the phone without being rude. I thought about that for a long time. She was only 14 and yet she had discerned a very important fact. Non-committal verbalizations get you all the information you need, in the quickest time with no input on your part. So I decided to turn it around and try it on all of them.
When the moment happens, and they open up, the less you say and do, gets you the largest yield. Here are a few more - oh? ooooo, wow, gee, whew, yikes, aw, ew. I mean, really, it's kind of pathetic. They aren't even real word or more than one syllable.
But they work. So does, no emotion, no reaction, no facial expressions. Neutral, nothing, silence.
It gets you all you could possibly ever want.
I promise.
Try it. When they have something to tell you, you (need to) have nothing to say.
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