You Are SO Curvy

My daughter and I went to visit our friends whom we had not seen for the summer. We were taking her last year's clothes to pass down. Pants, shirts, shoes, coats: nothing fit in a very short amount of time.
We walk in and her mom says, "OMG, you got so tall!!!" ( remember two months have passed since we saw them) "I don't think I would have recognized you on the street if I had seen you."  And she has known her for 7 years. The kids go off to play, but when they come back  the mom says, "You are so curvy!" Her daughter yells,"MOM!" (The dad was present.) And her mom says, " But I didn't mean that in a bad way."

This points out how fast they change. If it is shocking to others, try to imagine how it feels to your daughter. Almost every day, she wakes up in a slightly altered body. So acknowledge it to her. Say things like, "I never was sure what was happening when I was your age - same for you?"

My daughter says, in the midst of this conversation, "You know, sometimes I am just standing, doing nothing, and all of a sudden I trip and hurt myself." Then she says, " I know, my mind has not caught up with my body." And we all laugh together.

Daughters do have growing pains. The awkward time exists for her. Be there for and with her.

Safe Harbor

At any age, your daughter is faced with issues and dilemmas that she is unsure of and inexpereinced in resolving.  Give her a blanket statement early on and remind her of it often. I gave it in kindergarten, in first grade, third grade, 5th grade, etc.  Mine was this, "If you or any of your friends has a problem, you can run it past me. I am your best resource. As your mother and as someone who has known your friends since they were in kindergarten and loves them too, I am your safe harbor. I will never turn you away. I will never rat you (or them) out. I will never criticize you for doing something stupid or not knowing what to do.  I will always be your best advocate and will have your best interest as my guiding force. And I will thank you for being brave enough to come to me.

I never had that in my youth and many times, I felt like I was flailing about, lost and unsure. I wanted, and still want, my daughters to know they have a reliable, wise and experienced referent always available. Recently, via class reunion communications, I've heard from friends that told me I was their mentor.  I didn't know that. So I know that I have always recognized the lack of role models for us as women. I think we need to conscientiously mentor our daughters.  Men naturally mentor their sons and young men in the workforce.  Our daughters and young women need the same in order to find and recognize their strengths and their place in the adult world.  We, their mothers, fathers, aunts, grandparents and teachers need to show them early on that we are there to support and help them realize those goals.

I thought you would be mad

My oldest daughter says to me, "Someone saw Emma walking in the mall, holding hands with a boy. Did you know that?"

"No, but Thank you." Remember. Never discuss one of your children with the other.
So I say to Emma, "Do you have a boyfriend that you are meeting at the mall?" She says yes. So I ask, why don't I know about this and she says, " I thought you would be mad."

Why? What makes you think that? ( I already know. Daddy would be mad.) But I say, I remember 8th grade. I, too, held a boy's hand. Times don't change. Everything you feel, I felt, and it's ok. I'm not mad. I'm on your side.

Don't Mess Up Your Hair

I grew up between two boys in the 60's. I played hard with them. We had 42 kids on our street, enough for two teams of any sport and parades! My earliest recollection of what I looked like came in 5th or 6th grade.  Before that, I never even thought about it. I was playing games, riding my bike and having fun.  No one imposed beauty on me at an early age.  It was a good childhood.

Fast-forward to my oldest daughter playing in the backyard.  We have our new video camera. And she wants to do a somersault for the "show" that we are filming, but her dad says, "You are going to mess up your hair." I think she was 4. Now she did look nice. I always made my daughters presentable. I never commented on what happened to that lovely appearance as they played. But their dad did. I told her, "Have fun, mess up your hair. It's ok."  So it is interesting. His message was, "Your appearance is more important than your accomplishment (the somersault.)"

This is not what we want to convey to daughters.  When you shape them before they understand, you prejudice them to a future where they value themselves based on their appearance.  My converations praised  her goodness, her dedication and diligence, her perseverance, her accomplishments, her unique attributes. I  have told them, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, taller, richer, anything-er. Don't judge yourself by outward standards. Compete only with yourself. That's enough pressure.

"You think about it."

When my third daughter was 3, I started to look for ways to have conversation with her without the other 2. In a group, any topic can be commented on quickly by older siblings so younger ones get left out. As I attempted to avoid that pitfall, I would separately ask her. What do you think about_____?" And she would look at me, not sure, like it was a trick, and she'd say, "You 'sink' about it Mommy."  We'd go through this several times until finally, she would venture an opinion or thought."  I did, this with her for a few years until she finally started answering the questions easily or sometimes would come to me and ask what I thought about something. 

The message: What she thought was important.  I wanted her opinion.

It was private, with no criticism or commentary by others. It's how you build their confidence in forming and voicing inner thoughts, which is crucial for success later on.

This is a tactic you can use with any age daughter. They don't talk to us because they fear our criticism. Opinions and thoughts are there in their teens and into their twenties. Good parenting practices don't stop just because they leave for college or get an apartment. Maturity is an inner state-of-being, not based on exterior milestones. When she reaches it, then and only then, can you be her "Friend."

Today - 12/01/09

I talked to a company president today about why he didn't have women in his key positions. Not only did he not know why, but he did not even realize that he didn't. I told him it was a basic prejudice that women could not perform. And I asked him, corporate-wide, what was the percentage of women in the sales force? His answer was very low and embarassing to even him. So I keep asking why?

We are half of the population. Why aren't we half of every corporation? Why don't men assume that we have more to offer than they do? Or at least the same?

It is an uphill battle that women fight because of the assumptions that precede us.

Today, I was told by three men that I was the best, best in class, best in training and best in performance.
If I was a guy, I'd be out on the golf course.

I guess my point to this blog is so our daughters have a better chance at equal opportunity, equal treatment and equal pay in the workforce.

Mom, stop! You are not cool.

I'm 53 with an 11 year old daughter. I have been raising girls since 1982. The landscape has changed.  Most of her friends' parents are late 30's, maybe 40. I find myself caught in between generations, so I observe and dissect the nuances. But she doesn't realize that.  It's a foreign place for me to be, but for her it is just normal. So I take it head on and learn everything about her world. Her music, Paramore, her loves -Twilight, what she dislikes - Miley Cyrus, what she doesn't understand - Jamie Spears' pregnancy. I know her as much as anyone can know another.

I'm trying. So I sing along with her music and she says, Mom!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop!!!!!!!!!!! It happens when we are alone or when her little friends are here, equally. We always have music playing. When we are alone, I ask, "No one is even here, so why do you care if I am singing the wrong words or dancing?" And she says, "Because, you are not cool."

Not cool. It's every parents' nightmare. We aren't hip, we're outdated, we don't understand. We dance badly. It is inevitable, so behave accordingly. No dancing or singing in front of her friends.

But definitely in front of her. She'll learn how not to care what anyone thinks of her. Because you don't.