It's not the same as the 70's.

I don't remember what was the subject du jour, but my oldest daughter said, "Mom, things are different. This isn't the 70's.This isn't Butler High School, Class of '74." As Oprah says, it was an Aha! moment and I realized she was right (Parents hardly ever admit their children are right, but I respect youth. They have clear minds.) If you listen with an open mind, they tell you how to be a good parent to them.

One of the things I have always allowed is lively, spirited debate - open to any and all subjects. As long as there is no disrepect, I  encourage conversations to go way beyond what most parents will. I provoke analysis and persuasion. Why would I quash their best efforts?  Try to remember what you are trying to produce - forward thinking, independent, gutsy, bold, questioning daughters. Let them push the ticket. Give them your time. Every day. Studies show that dinner with your children makes a difference. I've been making dinner, regularly, for 27 years with all my daughters at the table as often as logistically possible.

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No matter what your age as a parent, the pressures our daughters feel is nothing that we remember. Computers, cell phones, I-phones, I-pods.  My youngest knows everything about texting, billing, wireless zones, accessories, apps, and new products.  I bought her phone in April. She has already asked when is she eligible for a new phone. Her phone is already obsolete. She's 11!

It's exhausting to resist change. Welcome change. Change is life.  Life changes every day. Let your daughter teach you. When she says, let me do that for you, because you don't know Excel or Power Point, or how to upload pics, ask her to teach you. It's how we cross the big divide. Be humble. Compliment and thank her. I assure you,  not only do you not lose power, in her eyes, you gain it by not being a know-it-all parent.

Music we love - Justin Bieber - One Time

http://www.youtube.com/user/kidrauhl?blend=1&ob=4 This song is by Justin Bieber. If you are the parent of a tweener and you don't know his name, you will.  The first time I heard him, I knew he woud be the next David Cassidy, Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake. Different decades, same message. Here are his lyrics...

One Time
Songwriters: Bunton, James; Cole, Corron Ty Kee; Nkhereanye, Thabiso; Stewart, Christopher;

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time
Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

One time, one time

When I met you girl my heart went knock knock
Now them butterflies in my stomach won't stop stop
And even though it's a struggle love is all we got
And we gon' keep keep climbing to the mountain top


Your world is my world
And my fight is your fight
My breath is your breath
And your heart


And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

And I'ma be your one guy
You'll be my #1 girl
Always making time for you
You look so deep, you know that it humbles me
You're by my side, them troubles them not trouble me
Many have called but the chosen is you
Whatever you want shawty I'll give it to you


Your world is my world
And my fight is your fight
My breath is your breath
And your heart


And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)
I'ma tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)


And I'ma be your one guy
You'll be my #1 girl
Always making time for you
Shawty right there
She's got everything I need
And I'ma tell her one time
Give you everything you need down to my last dime
She makes me happy
I know where I'll be
Right by your side
'Cause she is the one
And girl you're my one love, my one heart
My one life for sure
Let me tell you one time
(Girl, I love, girl I love you)

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

Me plus you, I'ma tell you one time

One time, one time.

He's 15 but he is telling our daughters everything they want to hear right now.  You can do the same thing. Let her know how important she is to you and that you would do anything for her and she is your number one priority.  It will prevent her from looking for someone else to play that part in her life.  I played that role as long as I could. My 14 year old actually held my hand as we walked across the parking lot to the grocery store. The next year, she stopped. I'm sure that was a good thing. But I stayed a central figure, continued to have a close, intimate relationship with her.
Rub their backs, play with their hair while you watch tv. Let them snuggle with you. Girls just want that loving attention. She's in her 20's now. My role is changing but it's not over yet.

Favorite Child

I was at my gym the other day and was asked, "Which one of your daughters is your favorite?" I replied, "They are each my favorite."

It makes me ask, "Why would we, as parents compare our children? This question takes me back to a memory of my own childhood. 

When I was born, my dad went to the nursey and said, "Cuffman" and they showed him me.  He said, "No."  My older brother was blond, peaches and cream complexion, perfect in every way. I was black-haired, greasy looking, red-faced with forcept markings all over my face - not a baby a father would pick out as his first precious daughter.  But there was - "Cuffman" on my pretty little wrist bracelet. And they said, "Here is your daughter." My mother was so ecstatic to have a daughter, the had to tell her over and over ( anesthesia) until she finally understood. A daughter. She never thought she would have a daughter, only sons. My dad,was in shock.
So, I, as a girl, between, boys have lived that story my whole life. It's a good story. It taught me not to expect anything as each of my children were born. The gene pool that two parents present offers so many combinations - how could sibling ever be expected to be the same?
Each of my girls are as different as primary colors. Julia is red, demanding, challenging, a rock. Jocelyn is yellow, sunny, fundamental, a beacon. Emma is blue, cool, diplomatic, loving and Daphne, compassionate, is a rainbow, quietly defying definition.
Every day, I start by accepting that I know nothing and don't expect anything.  It's much easier to be a good parent  when you do that. My rewards humble me.

What's In A Nickname Anyway?

During the first week of school, my middle schooler had to write a paper on the meaning of her name. Every night, she would find a few facts and every day her teacher would send her back home with instructions to find more. It became a lesson in research more than writing. I hovered (slightly) to support the new expectations. It was fun! We both learned lots about her name, including her astrological traits and her name's numerology meaning. I also learned some how she views herself as she agreed with some things and not others. If you think you know your kids' insides, self-discovery activites generally shed new light.

She completed her essay in school, but when I read it, it had a whole different, funny twist to it that I hadn't imagined in her. She generally is a very serious child. Lesson to me - something happens in the presence of other kids that never happens with you. Serious kids become funny. Funny kids become quiet. You can't tell what will happen.

Two night later, when her friend was here and they were talking about her nicknames, I called her one that her friends gave her last year. She looked at me and said, "Mom, you can call me Trixie (my longtime nickname for her). You can't call me Dapa."

What I have learned over and over, but am always surprised in the moment is this:

1. If they feel safe in their relationship with you, they can say almost anything (respectfully, of course) without fear of hurting your feelings.

2. A new identity is emerging and you aren't part of it.

3. You are her mom, not one of her friends.

So, as I try remember my experiences, I know I wasn't thinking about my mom in 6th grade. Boys, hair, grades and being cool. Things never change. Keep remembering that!!!

Middle School Open House

At the beginning of every school year, it's time to meet the teachers, find out what is expected of your daughter, hear all the rules, etc. (This is my 46th open house.) Even from an adult's perspective, it's alot. So I am empathizing with my daughter. You know, she was just at the beach, sleeping in, playing Sims, making s'mores and looking at sunsets....

I am reminded of a comment Julia, my first, made in her middle school years. She said," Why did you have to have so many of us? I would have been happy to have been the only child." I explain that no child decides how many sibling they have. (And it's not like we are Kate Plus Eight or the Duggar family with 18 children) But sometimes even the parents don't really decide. God does. "Be happy you have sisters." Reference "4 Daughters"

So, one of my fundamental approaches comes to light. Never, ever, talk to your daughter about another sibling. EVER. Only talk to her about her stuff. Her homework, her sports, her friends, her schedule, her job, her everything. Saturate her in her. You cannot overdose her in "Her."

She'll always look to find reasons to hate you. It's how she becomes "her." Talking about or comparing her to a sister or brother takes the focus off her at a time you want it to be all about her.  Heck, don't we all want life to be all about us??

The Cold Shoulder

Last week, I walked my middle school daughter to school for the first few days. It's a new school. The 6th graders are the "babies" in this school in contrast to being the "Big 5th Graders" at the elementary school, last year. So there is a little trepidation in every conversation about her schedule/homeroom/activities. I remind her of past years where she faced the same set of circumstances, but quickly overcame her insecurities. She says nothing.

This can happen for your children at any age, and has for me many times. My first daughter, after 5 minutes at our orientation to pre-school, looked at me while we were seated at the 'clay creations table' and said, "You can go, Mom." And without a beat, I did.

As your daughter, at any age, masters a stage in her life, she is ready to go it alone. When you continue to try to be there with her, supporting her, giving her encouragement, she may turn slightly to you and say, I'm ok here, Mom.

Or she may give you a very disgusted look, right over her shoulder, roll her eyes and say nothing.

It's your cue to let her go. No comments, no clinging, no reminding, definitely no attempts at hugging or words of love. Silence. Maybe a final, "Text me later." will be acceptable. Going on to your life and showing your vote of confidence in her, validates what she already knows - she is ready to move forward and you recognized that.

The cold shoulder is an A on your report card as a parent.

Confidence Starts VERY Early

I just saw this article:

You Are Your Own Glass Ceiling
We've come a long way, ladies. But here's why good girls still finish last. Newsweek

I can address the questions it poses with the logic I have applied to my daughters.

1. In the 20 some years that I have been raising my girls, never did I ever say, think or intimate to them that anyone else's goal was greater than theirs. No one else even existed in our discussions. I never thought of anyone else's goals. Consequently, neither did they. Or if they did, it was only after they had fulfilled their own requirements. They have all done community service projects and helped other students/organizations.

2. Any time anyone, wanted something from one of my girls that was helpful to their child, I objected. One mother said, Your daughter makes my son a better student. To which my response was, "Well, that is not her responsibility. It's yours. She is dedicated to herself and her success at this point in her life. Why is it my child's responsibility to make your child a better student, more responsible, on time, organized? Those are your - the parent's- obligations.

3. And finally, as a mature woman, I don't subscribe to the typical parent trappings of girls. Moms who get together while their daughters are performing. I don't form social groups based on their activity. I have my own life. I have friends based on my interests. I lead by example. Daughters are watching what we do. If we act based on public opinion, we continue to produce daughters who are "nice" as the article highlights.

As I trailblaze this platform, many of my counterparts are not happy, but my daughters and those that they influence are looking to re-write the ceiling.

4 Daughters

This, my first post, will begin to create a history of my life with 4 daughters. 4 truly, unbelievable daughters, by every standard. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this.

I grew up between two boys. As a young girl, I prayed every night, "... please God, give me a sister." I tell that story each time someone asks me in front of my girls, "Didn't you want a boy?" I always respond, "I asked for a sister so many times, He finally answered."

Our society, despite the concept that boys and girls are equal, does not view or treat girls the same way as it does boys. In raising my daughters, I have completely disregarded that fact and have not allowed them to perceive themselves as second-rate citizens. When I was growing up, I always knew I didn't count in the same way my brothers did, in our schools or in my parents' eyes. I wanted that to change for my girls.

But in a positive way. Any minority, that views themselves as inferior or oppressed, can never succeed in finding equality. Only when you see yourself as equal, not superior or inferior, can you become just that.

So, my first lesson to my daughters has always been, "You are an individual." I've never compared them to anyone else. Not me, not their sisters, not their friends. Not as a girl vs. a boy.

"Never again will there be anyone like you" is a powerful message.

Tell that to yourself and think about what it means. It is truly significant.