Many of us will remember this PSA that ran on TV for many years. As kids, we thought it was funny because we were at home with our parents. But times are different. The formerly absent male parent also known as the ex, never had had a good understanding of his daughters. So, all along, I tried to teach. But some lessons didn't sink in.
I call my daughter one Friday night and she says, "I am sitting out on the curb waiting for so and so's sister to get me. I try to modulate my heartbeat. and I say, " If she isn't there in 5 minutes, I will come get you."
It was almost midnight. I would never let my 14 year old daughter be out at that time. Teenagers should be at matinees or 7:00 movies and home by 10 for their own safety. 9:00 movies are for adults or at least older teenagers. Just watch the news to understand what can happen to an innocent child? So I call her dad and say, "What are you thinking?" No response. I say to him, "She is just a child. Please remember that." He has no answer. None.
Men cannot be mothers. Their instincts are all wrong.
This post does not have a clear message other than frustration.
Friday, November 27, 2009
She is a child
When you raise fantastic daughters, people, including your spouse, your parents and their teachers get confused. They think your daughters are adults. And you have to remind them, "No, she is a child."
One day, my parents, who have a very close and intimate relationship with my girls, are at the dinner table and we are discussing Julia's thoughts about being a dentist. And my father says, "Do you know how expensive it is to set up a practice? And then what will you do if your husband gets tranferred and you have to leave that investment?"
So, in an effort to stop what I perceive to be an escalating situation, I try to intervene. My daughter, who is only 16, answers, her best child answer but to no avail. My father yells, "You are acting like a child!" And of course, she starts crying, because this is her grandfather who has always been patient and kind and loving and now has suddenly become belligerent and challenging. I look at her and say, "You are dismissed." She goes upstairs to her room, crying. And I look at my parents and say "What are you doing? She answers like achild because she IS a child."
They stood up, walked out my front door and drove home. Probably the biggest slap in my face, as well as my daughter's, as we could ever imagine. I did not call them to ask for an explanation or an apology. Or to offer one. We were not wrong. It was a turning moment in which I stood my daughters' ground, not as a daughter to my parents but as a mother to the next generation of women.
Strong, ethnic families keep their daughters locked in times past.
My eye is to a better future in which we embrace our daughters' excellence.
One day, my parents, who have a very close and intimate relationship with my girls, are at the dinner table and we are discussing Julia's thoughts about being a dentist. And my father says, "Do you know how expensive it is to set up a practice? And then what will you do if your husband gets tranferred and you have to leave that investment?"
So, in an effort to stop what I perceive to be an escalating situation, I try to intervene. My daughter, who is only 16, answers, her best child answer but to no avail. My father yells, "You are acting like a child!" And of course, she starts crying, because this is her grandfather who has always been patient and kind and loving and now has suddenly become belligerent and challenging. I look at her and say, "You are dismissed." She goes upstairs to her room, crying. And I look at my parents and say "What are you doing? She answers like achild because she IS a child."
They stood up, walked out my front door and drove home. Probably the biggest slap in my face, as well as my daughter's, as we could ever imagine. I did not call them to ask for an explanation or an apology. Or to offer one. We were not wrong. It was a turning moment in which I stood my daughters' ground, not as a daughter to my parents but as a mother to the next generation of women.
Strong, ethnic families keep their daughters locked in times past.
My eye is to a better future in which we embrace our daughters' excellence.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Jocelyn is Not Julia
Parent-teacher conferences. You are excited to hear everything great, or at least that's my experience. No matter what your expectation, it's nerve-wracking. Someone else is judging your child and is going to give you YOUR report card. So, I am living the same experience I have had before with daughter #1. Somehow, we expect the child to be the same.
Of course, in this conference, I want to talk about how she doesn't care about her penmanship - nothing like her sister before - and yet I still expect the same...
"Seriously,(her teacher says) Do you think Jocelyn is Julia? same second grade teacher.( In my mind, I am thinking - am I in the wrong conference?) Because I'm trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I saw them the same even though they were as different as any two people off the street.
I never did it again. Jocelyn was and still is the most creative person I know. If she made mistake in her writing, she turned it into a picture, or a flower, or an animal, or a design. She's an arcitect now with beautiful penmanship.
Allow them some breathing room.
Of course, in this conference, I want to talk about how she doesn't care about her penmanship - nothing like her sister before - and yet I still expect the same...
"Seriously,(her teacher says) Do you think Jocelyn is Julia? same second grade teacher.( In my mind, I am thinking - am I in the wrong conference?) Because I'm trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I saw them the same even though they were as different as any two people off the street.
I never did it again. Jocelyn was and still is the most creative person I know. If she made mistake in her writing, she turned it into a picture, or a flower, or an animal, or a design. She's an arcitect now with beautiful penmanship.
Allow them some breathing room.
Your Public Child
We yuppie, Pottery-Barn, media-darling parents show up to parent -teacher conferences all puffed out. Our wunder-child - perfect in every way - yet clueless.....
First grade, first child, I am expecting compliments and congratulations. Instead, I get reprimanded, very early in, because I made a comment about her not being responsible enough. Mrs. Urso says, "Your daughter is so responsible, I let her take the handicapped child in our class to the nurse for her medication. And you talk about her less than perfect behavior when she gets off the bus? All children have to misbehave somewhere. She is PERFECT in school. Accept her misbehavior at home."
It was hard to be so harshly corrected. But I listened. Teachers know your "public" child. You do not.
Be humble enough to let other people share their opinions of your daughters. You are not objective.
First grade, first child, I am expecting compliments and congratulations. Instead, I get reprimanded, very early in, because I made a comment about her not being responsible enough. Mrs. Urso says, "Your daughter is so responsible, I let her take the handicapped child in our class to the nurse for her medication. And you talk about her less than perfect behavior when she gets off the bus? All children have to misbehave somewhere. She is PERFECT in school. Accept her misbehavior at home."
It was hard to be so harshly corrected. But I listened. Teachers know your "public" child. You do not.
Be humble enough to let other people share their opinions of your daughters. You are not objective.
Your Mother Thinks Very Highly of You
I was meeting with a company's president, and he tells me that he needs a part-time person. Little does he know, I market my daughters any time I can - baby-sitting, pet-sitting, passover-serving, calligraphy-writing. So I say to him, I have the perfect person for you, my daughter, Jocelyn. But he says, "No high school student could do this job." I ask him to at least interview her. You know, good expereince for her. Haha. Funny because I know that when he meets her, he will be blown away. I am that confident in her.
So, he meets with her. and at some point in the interview he says to her, "You know, your mother thinks very highly of you." And she says, (at the age of 17, in front of the president of the company,) "Yes, I know she does."
Over the years, I have built them up to know their best qualities and to be confident and un-abashed.
He hired her and asked me if she could just skip college and come work for him full-time. You can only inmagine my response.
But it was diplomatic.
So, he meets with her. and at some point in the interview he says to her, "You know, your mother thinks very highly of you." And she says, (at the age of 17, in front of the president of the company,) "Yes, I know she does."
Over the years, I have built them up to know their best qualities and to be confident and un-abashed.
He hired her and asked me if she could just skip college and come work for him full-time. You can only inmagine my response.
But it was diplomatic.
The Price of Motherhood
Parents of college-age daughters, you have my sympathy. As we endeavor to educate them, they turn on us with their new-found revelations.
So mine puts this book. The Price of Motherhood, http://www.amazon.com/Price-Motherhood-Important-World-Valued/dp/0805066195, on the coffee table and says, "You should read this."
Background. I had a short-lived career as a speech therapist that corporate relocations and children derail. 20 years and one divorce later, she's asking me to examine my decisions.
My response was this. "You are asking me to compare my lack of a salary to raising you and your sisters for all these years. I will tell you that there is no amount of money that correlates. So the book to me is irrelevant. Money does not equate with the enormity of what I am doing here with you and your sisters."
And as I have said before in these posts, I am not angry with her for attacking me. I have always allowed them to question and analyze. Of course they are going to tear me apart. I'm the best known quantity.
But I know my goals, my challenges, my daughters.
So mine puts this book. The Price of Motherhood, http://www.amazon.com/Price-Motherhood-Important-World-Valued/dp/0805066195, on the coffee table and says, "You should read this."
Background. I had a short-lived career as a speech therapist that corporate relocations and children derail. 20 years and one divorce later, she's asking me to examine my decisions.
My response was this. "You are asking me to compare my lack of a salary to raising you and your sisters for all these years. I will tell you that there is no amount of money that correlates. So the book to me is irrelevant. Money does not equate with the enormity of what I am doing here with you and your sisters."
And as I have said before in these posts, I am not angry with her for attacking me. I have always allowed them to question and analyze. Of course they are going to tear me apart. I'm the best known quantity.
But I know my goals, my challenges, my daughters.
You are just a product developer
I read once in an article that what we as parents are doing, is trying to produce happy, healthy, independent adults. Hm... Prior to that, I had not given child raising an over-view, but it made sense.
Each day, ( since 1982 x 4 daughters) I endeavored to address one, two or all three in some fashion.
Happy - we had fun, and still do, at some point every day. We dance in the kitchen, tell jokes, act goofy, do imitations, tease - whatever. They are continually embarrassed by me. But I don't care. It's fun and who is keeping score??? Or observing us, but us??
Healthy - good, natural food, exercise in many forms, understanding and respecting our bodies, finding inner strength.
Independent - learning social skills, laundry, how to cook, shopping, finances, searching for who we are.
There are so many things every day that your daughters need from you that any moment can be a teaching opportunity.
It takes time and attention but what else do you have to do for 18 years. Out of your lifetime, it's a drop in the bucket. In hers, it's 100% of her life.
Pretend you are being paid. And she's a product about to be launched.
Each day, ( since 1982 x 4 daughters) I endeavored to address one, two or all three in some fashion.
Happy - we had fun, and still do, at some point every day. We dance in the kitchen, tell jokes, act goofy, do imitations, tease - whatever. They are continually embarrassed by me. But I don't care. It's fun and who is keeping score??? Or observing us, but us??
Healthy - good, natural food, exercise in many forms, understanding and respecting our bodies, finding inner strength.
Independent - learning social skills, laundry, how to cook, shopping, finances, searching for who we are.
There are so many things every day that your daughters need from you that any moment can be a teaching opportunity.
It takes time and attention but what else do you have to do for 18 years. Out of your lifetime, it's a drop in the bucket. In hers, it's 100% of her life.
Pretend you are being paid. And she's a product about to be launched.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Expect a lot. But let her know.
My daughter, Julia, came out of the bathroom one afternoon, with venom in her eyes and said, "Mom, you know, most parents would be happy with all A's and B's, but not you. You want all A's." In return, I said, "Yes you are right and I understand how you may feel about that. But, I know your IQ and if you are getting B's, you are just being lazy. And if you want to be lazy, you will reap the rewards of a lazy person. I prefer, in advance, to choose the path to the highest rewards for you.
The important part of this conversation is that it did not irritate me. I wasn't mad at her for being a smart-mouth, as my parents would have said to me. I respect her perspective, but I know why I have those expectations. You do need to know what your child is capable of.
Expect them to not understand. Realize their point of view is very limited. Share your wisdom without being condescening or defensive. You can even thank her for saying something so honest and confrontational and risking your anger.
You are teaching her to deal with issues head on - a skill she will need in her adult life. She's practicing on you.
The important part of this conversation is that it did not irritate me. I wasn't mad at her for being a smart-mouth, as my parents would have said to me. I respect her perspective, but I know why I have those expectations. You do need to know what your child is capable of.
Expect them to not understand. Realize their point of view is very limited. Share your wisdom without being condescening or defensive. You can even thank her for saying something so honest and confrontational and risking your anger.
You are teaching her to deal with issues head on - a skill she will need in her adult life. She's practicing on you.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Your daughter is an over-achiever
I went to a parent-teacher conference for my daughter, Emma, who was in third grade. Her teacher was male, first year, out of Penn State. Shortly into the conference, he said, "I think Emma thinks she's smarter than she is."
Now I happened to know that Emma is very smart. I chose "NOT" to put her into the gifted program. I was in it and I hated it. No child wants to be different. And anyhow, she had no idea how smart she really was. She was not a bold or provocative child, so I knew that if she was portraying intelligence, it was just because she was. But I play along, in case I'm not objective and I say, "And?" He says, well I think she is over-achieving." And again I say, "And?'
Then I wait. Because if it was a boy reaching beyond his level, he wouldn't have commented, he would have supported him. In particular, because it was math that we were discussing, educators have been shown to not advocate for girls.
http://www.nncc.org/Curriculum/sac52_math.science.girls.html
So, I ask him to continue to support Emma and follow up with me after the next math unit.
Afternote. Emma graduated with a 3.97 from high school. A 3.97 as a biology major from college. Is the president of the ENTIRE student body, awarded multiple times for achievement in academics, leadership and service and is going to dental school.
I rest my case. I mean, really. Pay attention. This is what is being told to our daughters.. Talk to them. Listen to what they hear every day. Then refute it. Alert them to the prejudice. And then ignore it and move beyond.
Now I happened to know that Emma is very smart. I chose "NOT" to put her into the gifted program. I was in it and I hated it. No child wants to be different. And anyhow, she had no idea how smart she really was. She was not a bold or provocative child, so I knew that if she was portraying intelligence, it was just because she was. But I play along, in case I'm not objective and I say, "And?" He says, well I think she is over-achieving." And again I say, "And?'
Then I wait. Because if it was a boy reaching beyond his level, he wouldn't have commented, he would have supported him. In particular, because it was math that we were discussing, educators have been shown to not advocate for girls.
http://www.nncc.org/Curriculum/sac52_math.science.girls.html
So, I ask him to continue to support Emma and follow up with me after the next math unit.
Afternote. Emma graduated with a 3.97 from high school. A 3.97 as a biology major from college. Is the president of the ENTIRE student body, awarded multiple times for achievement in academics, leadership and service and is going to dental school.
I rest my case. I mean, really. Pay attention. This is what is being told to our daughters.. Talk to them. Listen to what they hear every day. Then refute it. Alert them to the prejudice. And then ignore it and move beyond.
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